I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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