They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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