and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
