I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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