I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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