You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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