You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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