martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
