I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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