you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
