My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
