sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
