my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i now understand why vodka
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
