I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
