Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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