UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
