If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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