You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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