So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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