I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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