My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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