I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
