God gave him joint rollers for hands
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
