Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
