This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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