Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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