Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
