I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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