my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
