Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
