your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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