not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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