just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.