Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.