I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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