I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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