Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
