went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
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he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
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I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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