I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
