I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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