I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
