I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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