I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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