Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
