Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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