Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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