My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
