Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
