My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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