If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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