You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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