I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ttyl tear gas
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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