I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
