You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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