So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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