Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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