Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
