I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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